My best mate, Stilgs, and his wife Kaylene are expecting their first baby on 8 January 2011. And yesterday they found out that it will be a blue one. So 'Mini Stilgs' will carry on the Stilgoe name and I'm sure the sporting prowess as well. At least if Dad has anything to do with it.
So I thought that this would be the perfect time to pass on some of the advice that was given to me, and to also give some details of my experiences since I became a first time father 7 months ago. Now I'm no expert obviously but my recent experience may come in helpful in some way I hope. A friend of mine lent me a book called 'So you're going to be a dad' by Peter Downey
and it was one of the funniest and most insightful books I have read. I would recommend any father to be to read that book. It’s hilarious. But don't be expecting it to be a how to guide. It’s more of a summary of one guy’s experience. But quite a lot of it did pop up for me too.
So where to start... Pregnancy. During the time when my wife was pregnant I found it to be quite a roller coaster. One minute so excited I wanted the baby to be here already, the next day, time was dragging and it seemed like we'd be waiting forever or then I was thinking about how scary it was that I was going to have a little life to mould, someone who would be reliant on me for at least the next 18-21 years. One thing I would suggest NOT to do is ask the wife to hurry it up. Pregnant women are not so good with the sarcasm. I learnt very early on not to goad a pregnant woman, or make them mad. Forget the old saying 'Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned', the more appropriate saying should be 'A scorned woman is like a kitten compared to an angry pregnant lady, so NEVER piss one off!'.
In my mind pregnancy for the man is an adjustment phase. You need to take this time to get comfortable doing more stuff around the house if you don't already. Because when the baby arrives the wife is going to be very busy for the first few weeks, and she'll be very tired when she's not busy. You also get used to leaving events and functions early, because pregnant women tire easily, but when you have the little one, gone are the days of being the last to leave a party or a dinner.
Then comes the labour. Now when we had our daughter, we knew about 6 or 7 other couples who were due around the same time, and none of them had the same experience. None. So I can't really tell you what to expect in regards to what your wife will go through. But in our case, it was all very quick. Rach's water broke at 3am. And when they say 'water', they mean goo. And it goes everywhere, and generally doesn't stop until the baby arrives. Rach also didn't have much of a lead up time with the contractions. From when she started having them they were about 50 seconds long and 3-4 minutes apart. And our daughter was born at 12.28pm. 9 and 1/2 hours after the water broke. This apparently is not normal for your first child, so much so the midwives said to us before we left hospital 'For your next one, when your water breaks, come straight here because the baby will probably fall out!'. Encouraging. So the only advice I can give is, wear comfortable yet supportive shoes like cross trainers, because you could be walking around for a while. But don't wear new ones. See above in regards to the 'goo'. Have PowerAde or Gatorade around because the mum is working hard! I've never felt anything like Rach's stomach during a contraction. That was life changing.
The early days. Now this is probably where I can offer the most advice because we were around so many other groups of new parents as well as doing it ourselves. You'll do parenting classes which will give you an idea on what to expect. They are helpful although I didn't think so at the time. Breastfeeding will be promoted through these classes and I thoroughly endorse it. But in my experience, it's not all happy days and mother/child bonding. Rach got blisters in places that should never be blistered. It was hard for the majority of mums that we know. So my advice to encouraging. Tell your wife that she's doing a great job. Because she is. I know I couldn't do it. But don't push her. If she's not feeling comfortable, that’s fine and as I said, from our experience, it’s normal. Don't be afraid to ask the midwives for advice. They were great for Rach and I think they were the reason that she persisted.
The other thing is sleep. There won't be much for the first little while. About the third day/night, your baby has a growth spurt which is associated with the 'good milk' coming in. This involves lots of crying, probably from all 3 of you. But the mum needs to sleep to make the milk. For the first few weeks I survived on maybe 5 hours tops per nite. But I would stay up late and change nappies, have cuddles and walks etc., so that Rach could get some sleep before the late nite, early morning feeds. Then I would get up around 6 am and take the shift til the 9 or 10am feed and send Rach back to bed. Encourage your wife to sleep as much as possible. It’s great for her sanity and gives you quality alone time with your baby. But DO NOT say in the morning 'Wow that was a good night, the baby only woke once.'. Because it won't be just once. It’s just that after 3 or 4 nights you won't hear anymore. And saying that makes the new mum revert to pregnant mum (see above. Not Good). But I loved those days.
Nappies. This is where it gets tricky. Everyone told me the first few poos would be bad. They were not wrong. The stuff that comes out of your child is like tar. It gets on you and it takes a lot of scrubbing to get it off. BUT like everyone tells you, and you never believe them, it is different when it’s your own kid. Plus it doesn't really smell until they start on formula. And to this day I am still the only one that Kenadee has had an exploding nappy on. I just choose to think that it’s because I'm her favourite.
All in all, nothing can prepare you for being a dad. But you can be safe in the knowledge that it is the BEST thing you will ever do. Sure your life is no longer measured by how many beers you drank that week or times you went to the gym, but more on what milestone your child achieved. And that is so rewarding. Sook it all in. Be hands on. Help as much as you can. Love your wife/partner and your new child, you do already and automatically, but tell them, lots! Tell everyone how amazing your wife/partner is, because she is. If you don't think so, then have the baby yourself! The most important thing though is to enjoy it. And be a little proud of yourself, you just helped make another human being. Well done.
So again, congrats to Stilgs and Kaylene. I can't wait to meet my quasi nephew and help Stilgs turn him into a little sportsman.
